Four Ways to Celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month with Kids

Every year in America, we celebrate National Hispanic Heritage Month from September 15th - October 15th. National Hispanic Heritage Month is an excellent opportunity to observe, educate, and honor the contributions of an often underrepresented and marginalized group of people. As an Afro-Latina, I view this month as a time to celebrate our courage, beauty, and history.

Why is it important?

Hispanic Heritage Month is important because representation does matter. When foster and adoptive parents embrace the notion of representation, it can help children in their care thrive.

Hispanic Heritage Month amplifies the second-fastest-growing racial or ethnic group in the U.S. It requires a heavy lift from parents of all walks of life, and it is necessary.

In honor of Hispanic Heritage Month, I wrote a piece for the Raise The Future blog on “Four Ways to Celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month with Kids.” I hope you like it!

Adoptive Mother or First Mother? Who Should Clebrate Mother’s Day

I wasn’t supposed to be a mom; at least not in the traditional sense.

Yet fifteen years ago I stood in the delivery room and watched my son enter this world. There I was in a space with his first mother encouraging her to push while I wiped her brow. Together, we welcomed him, our son, into this world. I guess this is why I struggle when other adoptive parents don’t talk to their children about their journey to adoption.  In my post, Adoption: A Glimpse Into the Day My Son was Born, I share my step-by-step recollection of his birth and how It changed me forever.

Telling our son about his journey to adoption has taught me there is enough room in his heart to love both his family of origin and his adoptive family. Now, this idea wasn’t one that I came to easily. If I’m being honest, when I finally got to celebrate my very first Mother’s Day I was selfish. I thought only of myself, our son, and how my prayers had been answered.

When thoughts of her came to my mind I pushed them away.

I didn’t want to think about how hard that first mother’s day must have been for her. They didn’t stay away very long before they crept back in.

Like many adoption stories, ours begins with loss. The loss in our case was the loss for our son, his mother of origin, and for ourselves through infertility.  I recently spoke on a webinar about the losses in adoption when an adoptive mother reached out to me. She was offended when she heard me say “adoption begins with loss.” She struggled with my wording and I get it. I explained that having been an adoption professional for 18 years I have seen adoptive parents grieve their inability to conceive. I have seen children feeling the real ambiguous loss of not being raised by their family of origin.

Oftentimes, we don’t even think about the loss that the family of origin experiences, and yet it’s very real. There is a child they will never truly know. That is loss. 

This is why I am forever grateful that we not only got to meet her before he was born but we got to know her. I will never forget the first time we met. Would she like us? Would she turn and run? The moment we met her we could see she was beautiful, caring, and committed to her decision. We became friends. Can you imagine that?

In the months leading up to his birth, we spent a great deal of time together. I accompanied her to medical appointments, developed a delivery plan, and discussed what interactions would look like after he was born. I felt so honored when she introduced the idea that I am in the delivery room with her. What sticks out the most was her desire to give our son (hers and mine) the life she never had.

 In hindsight, I can say that we grew to love her before we even met him. Loving her was something I could not have anticipated and yet it was easy. You see how could I not love the woman that gave me my son? Without her life and love, I would not be a mother, and the magnitude of her sacrifice is not lost on me.

The days that followed his birth would be tough…tough for her especially. She would entrust him to our care and we would lovingly bring him home. Hoping we would be everything he needed to thrive. As little as he was, he was much like her, a fighter. Braver thank any other person I knew and somehow she had everything to do with it.

When you are an adoptive mother of an infant like me, you get all the firsts.

The first laughs, kisses, words, hugs, and the magical first steps. It’s a privilege if you ask me. Especially because no matter how well I recorded his entire “firsts” to share with her she would never truly have that with him. 

This is why I say adoption starts with loss, especially for the birthmother. I talk a lot about this in my book entitled Heard. In the book, I share difficult moments like, when she left the hospital and wasn’t prepared for the emotional toll it would take for her body to want to breastfeed a baby that now belongs to another. 

This doesn’t mean I don’t believe we were meant to adopt our son because I believe we were meant to be his parents. Adoption can be about all the great moments and about ambiguous losses at the same time.

On Mother’s Day, whether she is around us or not we celebrate her life, her love, and her gift. Often time’s mothers of origin are treated like pariahs for placing their child for adoption. I think it will take adoptive mothers like you and me to change the narrative on what motherhood looks like.  This mother’s day let’s be intentional about including or discussing mothers of origin with our children. Remember, there is room to honor and celebrate both! How do you celebrate Mother’s Day?

Talking to Your Adopted Teen About Racism

I’m still terrified for Jay to drive

I’m tired. Honestly, I’m exhausted from having these conversations with Jay. It’s not fair that we've been having them since he was five years old.

Racism is Trauma…

I’ll never forget the day a kid at Summer camp called him the “N” word when he was just seven. It broke my heart. Why?

1. He had no idea what that word meant.

2. We didn’t want to have “that” conversation with him yet.

It’s funny how the world forces you into conversations that you aren't prepared to have. How it demands our children of color experience additional trauma that we can’t control. But we can prepare for. As his parents, we couldn’t just explain the word without explaining the origin, definition, and history of a word that breaks many hearts. Including his..., he cried that night. That was eight years ago. Before the pandemic forced us all to lean heavily on news and social media. Before George Floyd changed the world and before more of the world got woke.

Today, as we prepare for Jay to get a learner's permit I am TERRIFIED. Terrified that he will meet the wrong police officer, on a random day and that will be the last time I see him. This fear is real and justified by our own experiences. This fear is not mine alone. It belongs to a village of black, brown, and multiracial families across our nation.

Recently on my IG, a white transracial adoptive mom said “but I don’t want to traumatize my (black) daughter about racism." That comment got me thinking...are we as a transracial adoption community doing the hard work to understand that racism is trauma and that not talking about it neglects the survival needs of our black and brown children?

No.

We are better than we were but truly we have a long way to go. So, where can transracial adoptive parents start to do the work? Here is what we did as a family that helped:

1. Do the work - it is our responsibility to understand the politics, laws, institutions, and systems that will impact our children negatively. Challenge these systems by reading, writing, and let your teen know you are their ally.

2. Validate your child’s experiences. I’ll never forget when Jay came home and was being made fun of by a peer at school because he had an afro. We not only validated his experience but we then took action and contacted the teacher.

3. Look at your community. Where can your child go to get what they need when it comes to racial survival skills. Does your close village include people of color?

4. Watch the news with your teen. I think this is a great way to have intentional conversations about race, while at the same time helping your teen begin to develop their worldview.

5. Love = Action. Once we exposed Jay to what was happening in the world and ways we can help, he asked if we could go to a protest as a family. Now for the record, hubby and I had never been to an actual march. But we did it. We exposed him to the truth and he found something he was passionate about.

I know the points above won’t work for all families. I also know we are not doing enough to validate the needs of our children. I’m still terrified for Jay to drive. I also know he needs time to fully understand what it means for him to drive as an afro mohawk-wearing mixed-race young man. We will do the work to provide survival skills. We will pray God’s grace and that he cover him and we step into this scary right of passage.
- Ligia