Adoptive Mother or First Mother? Who Should Clebrate Mother’s Day

I wasn’t supposed to be a mom; at least not in the traditional sense.

Yet fifteen years ago I stood in the delivery room and watched my son enter this world. There I was in a space with his first mother encouraging her to push while I wiped her brow. Together, we welcomed him, our son, into this world. I guess this is why I struggle when other adoptive parents don’t talk to their children about their journey to adoption.  In my post, Adoption: A Glimpse Into the Day My Son was Born, I share my step-by-step recollection of his birth and how It changed me forever.

Telling our son about his journey to adoption has taught me there is enough room in his heart to love both his family of origin and his adoptive family. Now, this idea wasn’t one that I came to easily. If I’m being honest, when I finally got to celebrate my very first Mother’s Day I was selfish. I thought only of myself, our son, and how my prayers had been answered.

When thoughts of her came to my mind I pushed them away.

I didn’t want to think about how hard that first mother’s day must have been for her. They didn’t stay away very long before they crept back in.

Like many adoption stories, ours begins with loss. The loss in our case was the loss for our son, his mother of origin, and for ourselves through infertility.  I recently spoke on a webinar about the losses in adoption when an adoptive mother reached out to me. She was offended when she heard me say “adoption begins with loss.” She struggled with my wording and I get it. I explained that having been an adoption professional for 18 years I have seen adoptive parents grieve their inability to conceive. I have seen children feeling the real ambiguous loss of not being raised by their family of origin.

Oftentimes, we don’t even think about the loss that the family of origin experiences, and yet it’s very real. There is a child they will never truly know. That is loss. 

This is why I am forever grateful that we not only got to meet her before he was born but we got to know her. I will never forget the first time we met. Would she like us? Would she turn and run? The moment we met her we could see she was beautiful, caring, and committed to her decision. We became friends. Can you imagine that?

In the months leading up to his birth, we spent a great deal of time together. I accompanied her to medical appointments, developed a delivery plan, and discussed what interactions would look like after he was born. I felt so honored when she introduced the idea that I am in the delivery room with her. What sticks out the most was her desire to give our son (hers and mine) the life she never had.

 In hindsight, I can say that we grew to love her before we even met him. Loving her was something I could not have anticipated and yet it was easy. You see how could I not love the woman that gave me my son? Without her life and love, I would not be a mother, and the magnitude of her sacrifice is not lost on me.

The days that followed his birth would be tough…tough for her especially. She would entrust him to our care and we would lovingly bring him home. Hoping we would be everything he needed to thrive. As little as he was, he was much like her, a fighter. Braver thank any other person I knew and somehow she had everything to do with it.

When you are an adoptive mother of an infant like me, you get all the firsts.

The first laughs, kisses, words, hugs, and the magical first steps. It’s a privilege if you ask me. Especially because no matter how well I recorded his entire “firsts” to share with her she would never truly have that with him. 

This is why I say adoption starts with loss, especially for the birthmother. I talk a lot about this in my book entitled Heard. In the book, I share difficult moments like, when she left the hospital and wasn’t prepared for the emotional toll it would take for her body to want to breastfeed a baby that now belongs to another. 

This doesn’t mean I don’t believe we were meant to adopt our son because I believe we were meant to be his parents. Adoption can be about all the great moments and about ambiguous losses at the same time.

On Mother’s Day, whether she is around us or not we celebrate her life, her love, and her gift. Often time’s mothers of origin are treated like pariahs for placing their child for adoption. I think it will take adoptive mothers like you and me to change the narrative on what motherhood looks like.  This mother’s day let’s be intentional about including or discussing mothers of origin with our children. Remember, there is room to honor and celebrate both! How do you celebrate Mother’s Day?

Black Moms Adopt Too!

““What is the future of transracial adoptions
given the BLM movement?””

““Do you believe that the black adoptive motherhood
has value?””

These are just some of the questions I have been asked over the last several weeks on various podcasts. In July, I answered the question What is the Future of Transracial Adoptions. In it, I shared that “Transracial adoptive parents also need to follow up their love with ACTION. ⁣We can’t rely on our children to hold on to their black culture while we talk about being colorblind. We must see our children’s color, love it, and educate ourselves on what they need to thrive.” 

But one question I have recently been asked in my DM’s and comments is “Do black and Latinx families even adopt, and if so, where are they?” There is a myth out there that black families do not adopt. A myth I believed to be true too. I’m not sure how or when it got started. I believe this has been believed to be true because we are simply not as visible. One of those reasons is because black voices aren’t amplified in a way that brings positivity.

Black and Latinx motherhood matters.

Family holiday shoot!

Jaden and I sporting our fancy rags for our annual photo shoot. He kept making me giggle!

I really needed to do some deep work and go out searching for my tribe. Women, black and brown, just like me, who have adopted and guess what? I found them. Hundreds of us have adapted to navigate trauma, grief, and loss. We know the needs of children of color and we meet them. We work hard to make sure our children are visible and valued in our culture. What we really haven’t had is the space to share these stories in a way that brings value and sheds light on what our transracial adoptive journey looks like. 

The current racial climate in our country has sparked protest, but it also sparked something else. Bold conversations and partnerships in adoption that I have never seen before. This climate called black adoptive moms, like me, out of the woodwork and amplified our voices. We are now sharing bold stories of courage and resilience.

Black + Brown Adoptive Mama’s To Follow:

1. Some of my favorite mamas are on IG! One of them is the lovely Foster While Black an adoptive mom who fosters and shares her truth with zero filter and lots of grace. Over the years, we have walked this social media journey together and it has been so rewarding.

2. My most recent discovery is FAB Moms whose purpose is to create and sustain a community of Black Adoptive Moms who share connections related to race & adoption. At FAB Moms they ENVISION that black women with varying beliefs, values, & experiences will be able to support and learn from one another in a space that centers their experiences.

3. I too created a space for such connection here on the blog but also on my Instagram page @ligiaspeaks where I share my vulnerable, messy, honest take on motherhood, adoption, social justice parenting, and grace. I hope you will join and follow me on there too. 

Our parenting matters and we have much to teach the world. 

So, I became bold, and here’s what I found...black and Latino families adopt too. We have so many things that can help transracially adopted children thrive. We also struggle and in that struggle we find grace. As I connected with other black adoptive parents on IG I learned some valuable lessons:

• Black and Latinx motherhood matters.

• We get home studied, we train and we are assessed too.

• We adopt but somehow our stories aren’t amplified.

• We stepped out in faith and followed our calling too.

• Our parenting matters and we have much to teach the world. 

I  believe that there is a great need for a formalized way for other Black and Latinx adoptive mama’s to curate a safe space to share and support one another in our journeys. I have long since dreamt of a space that allows our voices and stories to be at the center of the conversation, and a place where Black and Brown adoptive moms can retreat to for support, wisdom, and sisterhood. We hope you will join us.

Adoption: Why We Will Always Celebrate Our Son's Adoption Day

Words matter. I think they matter even more if you have experienced adoption. Phrases like “your real mom” or “your real child” are difficult to hear and yes-adopted families hear these often. For example, the phrase “Gotcha Day” has sparked a huge debate in the adoption community.

What is Gotcha Day?

"Gotcha Day" is a phrase that denotes the anniversary of the day on which a new member joins a family through adoption. It is sometimes also called “Home Coming Day","Family Day", or "Adoption Day" – For many intercountry adoptive families, this day may differ from the actual adoption day. 'Gotcha Day' is often associated with annual rituals or celebrations.

Over that last few years, there has been a huge debate in the adoption community on whether we, adoptive parents, should celebrate our child’s adoption day. Karen Moline, author and the adoptive mother of a child born in Vietnam wrote Get Rid of ‘Gotcha for Adoptive Families magazine in which she says: “Gotcha is my typical response when I’ve squashed a bug, caught a ball just before it would have rolled under the sofa, or managed to reach a roll of toilet paper on the top shelf at the store. It’s a silly, slangy word...I find the use of ‘gotcha’ to describe the act of adoption both astonishing and offensive.”

3.2.2018 Celebrating our Adoption Day with cousins and granparents

Our Decision

I have said it once; I'll say it again. Every adoption journey starts with a story of loss. This loss cannot be ignored or loved away.  This loss can be ambiguous for the adoptee especially if they were adopted as an infant. So here is the thing most people may miss about adoption. Adoption is not just a story of loss. It starts there but can grow and evolve into so much more. To our family adoption is both an act of love and loss.

In our home, we use “Adoption Day” as a day to honor our story. Our story is hard, full of loss and surprisingly beautiful.  However, many believe that no matter what name you use, Gotcha Day, Adoption Day, or Family Day it is a disingenuous day created by adoptive parents to celebrate their happiness while also possibly recognizing their child’s loss.  Some have even said that gotcha day is a narcissistic response to adoption by the adoptive parent.

Last night, in our family, we celebrated the twelfth-year anniversary of the day my son’s adoption was finalized. As usual, it was low-key, quiet, and a generally private affair. As he has gotten older, he decides how he wants to spend this day and he always chooses to spend it with his family.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that the child I prayed for and eventually adopted would think that my honoring his joining of our family, all be it an unnatural process, would be a way for me to boast about his loss. Those who know our story and our love for our son know we would never do anything to hurt him intentionally.

Articles like The Insensitivity of Adoption Day Celebrations by Mirah Riben,  by the Huffington Post, challenged me. I began to think are my husband and I getting this all wrong? I decided to really go to the true experts on adoption and all things gotcha day…adopted kids. I took time to interview Jaden (12) and Ella (13) about their adoption journey and how celebrating their adoption has impacted their lives.

Meet the Kids

Ella was adopted from Guatemala as an infant. She calls her adoption day “gotcha day.”One day, when driving through a rainstorm, she asked if it rained in Guatemala and the rest is history! Ella quickly learned that there is a great need for umbrellas in Guatemala, especially during the rainy season. Ella then created her Ella’s Umbrellas initiative. Those who received umbrellas shared that during the rainy season they don't have anything to cover their children with and the umbrellas reduce their children's chances and during the dry season it keeps mom’s to protect their children from the sun. Ella has donated over 750 umbrellas so far and hopes to send over 1,000 by the end of 2018.

Jaden was adopted domestically from NC. Jaden calls his day “Adoption Day.” Many of you have read about our mini superhero on my blog. He has been featured in posts like “Adoption: A glimpse into the day our son was born” and “Where did you get that baby?” which paint a picture of some of the beautifully complex moments adoption has thrown at us.  His heart for people is evident in the way he loves his family. His insight on his own adoption experience is what has led me to share our story.  Jaden will be the first to tell you that when it comes to his adoption he has double-dipped feelings about it and that is totally ok. I took some time to ask Ella and Jaden the following questions.

• Why do you like to celebrate your Gotcha Day / Adoption Day?
  E: “ Because we celebrate that me, my mom, and dad all became a family.”
  J: “ We celebrate it because it reminds us that our story is special.”

• How is this day different from your birthday?
  E: “Umm on my birthday we celebrate the day I was born, but on my Gotcha day we celebrate the day we became a family.”
  J: “My birthday is cool because it's about celebrating my life. You know, the day I was born. Celebrating my adoption day celebrates my family. It’s how we came to be.”

• Why is it important that your adoption day is celebrated each year?
  E: “It’s very important to me because we get to celebrate as a whole family and every year we make it a special time.“
  J: “It reminds me that even though I sometimes get sad about my adoption it can also remind me that it’s a good thing too. I also like that on my adoption day my family takes the time to tell me my story.”

  Adoption does start with loss but it doesn’t have to end there.  Over time it can become many layers to a complex journey. It's important that we as adoptive parents not only celebrate our child's journey into our family but also that we honor their story. No matter what word you choose to celebrate your child’s day, the important thing is to celebrate your child.