I’m tired. Honestly, I’m exhausted from having these conversations with Jay. It’s not fair that we've been having them since he was five years old.

Racism is Trauma…

I’ll never forget the day a kid at Summer camp called him the “N” word when he was just seven. It broke my heart. Why?

He had no idea what that word meant.
We didn’t want to have “that” conversation with him yet.

It’s funny how the world forces you into conversations that you aren't prepared to have. How it demands our children of color experience additional trauma that we can’t control. But we can prepare for. As his parents, we couldn’t just explain the word without explaining the origin, definition, and history of a word that breaks many hearts. Including his..., he cried that night. That was eight years ago. Before the pandemic forced us all to lean heavily on news and social media. Before George Floyd changed the world and before more of the world got woke.

Today, as we prepare for Jay to get a learner's permit I am TERRIFIED. Terrified that he will meet the wrong police officer, on a random day and that will be the last time I see him. This fear is real and justified by our own experiences. This fear is not mine alone. It belongs to a village of black, brown, and multiracial families across our nation.

Recently on my IG, a white transracial adoptive mom said “but I don’t want to traumatize my (black) daughter about racism." That comment got me thinking...are we as a transracial adoption community doing the hard work to understand that racism is trauma and that not talking about it neglects the survival needs of our black and brown children?

No.

We are better than we were but truly we have a long way to go. So, where can transracial adoptive parents start to do the work? Here is what we did as a family that helped:

Do the work - it is our responsibility to understand the politics, laws, institutions, and systems that will impact our children negatively. Challenge these systems by reading, writing, and let your teen know you are their ally.
Validate your child’s experiences. I’ll never forget when Jay came home and was being made fun of by a peer at school because he had an afro. We not only validated his experience but we then took action and contacted the teacher.
Look at your community. Where can your child go to get what they need when it comes to racial survival skills. Does your close village include people of color?
Watch the news with your teen. I think this is a great way to have intentional conversations about race, while at the same time helping your teen begin to develop their worldview.
Love = Action. Once we exposed Jay to what was happening in the world and ways we can help, he asked if we could go to a protest as a family. Now for the record, hubby and I had never been to an actual march. But we did it. We exposed him to the truth and he found something he was passionate about.

I know the points above won’t work for all families. I also know we are not doing enough to validate the needs of our children. I’m still terrified for Jay to drive. I also know he needs time to fully understand what it means for him to drive as an afro mohawk-wearing mixed-race young man. We will do the work to provide survival skills. We will pray God’s grace and that he cover him and we step into this scary right of passage.
- Ligia