Adoptive Mother or First Mother? Who Should Clebrate Mother’s Day

I wasn’t supposed to be a mom; at least not in the traditional sense.

Yet fifteen years ago I stood in the delivery room and watched my son enter this world. There I was in a space with his first mother encouraging her to push while I wiped her brow. Together, we welcomed him, our son, into this world. I guess this is why I struggle when other adoptive parents don’t talk to their children about their journey to adoption.  In my post, Adoption: A Glimpse Into the Day My Son was Born, I share my step-by-step recollection of his birth and how It changed me forever.

Telling our son about his journey to adoption has taught me there is enough room in his heart to love both his family of origin and his adoptive family. Now, this idea wasn’t one that I came to easily. If I’m being honest, when I finally got to celebrate my very first Mother’s Day I was selfish. I thought only of myself, our son, and how my prayers had been answered.

When thoughts of her came to my mind I pushed them away.

I didn’t want to think about how hard that first mother’s day must have been for her. They didn’t stay away very long before they crept back in.

Like many adoption stories, ours begins with loss. The loss in our case was the loss for our son, his mother of origin, and for ourselves through infertility.  I recently spoke on a webinar about the losses in adoption when an adoptive mother reached out to me. She was offended when she heard me say “adoption begins with loss.” She struggled with my wording and I get it. I explained that having been an adoption professional for 18 years I have seen adoptive parents grieve their inability to conceive. I have seen children feeling the real ambiguous loss of not being raised by their family of origin.

Oftentimes, we don’t even think about the loss that the family of origin experiences, and yet it’s very real. There is a child they will never truly know. That is loss. 

This is why I am forever grateful that we not only got to meet her before he was born but we got to know her. I will never forget the first time we met. Would she like us? Would she turn and run? The moment we met her we could see she was beautiful, caring, and committed to her decision. We became friends. Can you imagine that?

In the months leading up to his birth, we spent a great deal of time together. I accompanied her to medical appointments, developed a delivery plan, and discussed what interactions would look like after he was born. I felt so honored when she introduced the idea that I am in the delivery room with her. What sticks out the most was her desire to give our son (hers and mine) the life she never had.

 In hindsight, I can say that we grew to love her before we even met him. Loving her was something I could not have anticipated and yet it was easy. You see how could I not love the woman that gave me my son? Without her life and love, I would not be a mother, and the magnitude of her sacrifice is not lost on me.

The days that followed his birth would be tough…tough for her especially. She would entrust him to our care and we would lovingly bring him home. Hoping we would be everything he needed to thrive. As little as he was, he was much like her, a fighter. Braver thank any other person I knew and somehow she had everything to do with it.

When you are an adoptive mother of an infant like me, you get all the firsts.

The first laughs, kisses, words, hugs, and the magical first steps. It’s a privilege if you ask me. Especially because no matter how well I recorded his entire “firsts” to share with her she would never truly have that with him. 

This is why I say adoption starts with loss, especially for the birthmother. I talk a lot about this in my book entitled Heard. In the book, I share difficult moments like, when she left the hospital and wasn’t prepared for the emotional toll it would take for her body to want to breastfeed a baby that now belongs to another. 

This doesn’t mean I don’t believe we were meant to adopt our son because I believe we were meant to be his parents. Adoption can be about all the great moments and about ambiguous losses at the same time.

On Mother’s Day, whether she is around us or not we celebrate her life, her love, and her gift. Often time’s mothers of origin are treated like pariahs for placing their child for adoption. I think it will take adoptive mothers like you and me to change the narrative on what motherhood looks like.  This mother’s day let’s be intentional about including or discussing mothers of origin with our children. Remember, there is room to honor and celebrate both! How do you celebrate Mother’s Day?

Pandemic Challenges for Small Business Jefas

The term Jefa refers to a “female boss or leader; a woman in charge.” If you haven’t checked out part one of the series, you are missing out. Such a good read on triumph, adversity, and beating all odds. Jefas are made of tough stock. They are resilient, empowered, and find ways to thrive in the midst of a storm or in this case a pandemic.   In the midst of the Coronavirus, I wanted to take some time and feature dynamic Latina’s running successful small business and chat about how the pandemic has impacted their ability to provide for their family, generate more business and create.  

But first, why focus on small businesses? According to Vox Media “ Small businesses were responsible for 60 percent of net new jobs created from 2009 to 2013, after the recession. That means a big chunk of employment, taxes, and local services are directly tied to small business. In light of the Coronavirus pandemic, Congress along with the President approved the latest coronavirus stimulus package to specifically help small businesses stay afloat. But figuring out exactly how to access it can be somewhat confusing”. Vox Media has a great guide to assist with figuring out what you qualify for and how to navigate this complicated system. 

According to census data, the number of women-owned businesses is on the rise — growing by 26.8 percent from 2007 to 2012, to 9.9 million firms owned by women as of 2012. That is a big deal. This pandemic will have an incredible impact on women, their families, and the economy all across the globe. How Jefas face the hard days ahead matter. 

Proverbs 31 states that women of noble character should be honored “for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” This means women of strong noble character, Jefas, should be honored and praised by those that love & admire the most. I would like to introduce you to Mariana, a Jefa I admire.

Meet Mariana

An award-winning international photographer. Together with her husband, this Jefa owns KISMIS INK an international award-winning photography studio based in Tampa Florida. Mariana's beautiful work has been featured in Bridal Guide Magazine, Inside Weddings Magazine, The Knot, and The Huffington Post to name a few. To see more of her award-winning work check out her portfolio. 

“As a creative and business owner, I’ve been challenged to think differently and remember why I started.”

— Mariana

At first meeting Mariana, you will be swept away by her energetic spirit and her magnetic green eyes. She is a Cubana, who embraces all cultures while proudly sharing her story of immigration, triumph, and love. This is evident in who she calls “her people”. She warns all her potential clients with the same message “ I will hug you when we meet. We’ll talk about your adventures in travel, food, and love- and what makes your relationship one-of-a-kind.” She loves to love people and to me, that’s what makes her stand out most of all.

I had the chance for a virtual sit down with Mariana and asked her a few questions about her business, + how her work fills her creative calling.   

Describe what the word Jefa means to you. When I think of the word jefa, I picture a lighthouse. A guiding light, ready to serve and standing tall while being a safe haven to others. 

Do you consider yourself a Jefa? Yes! In both business and my personal relationships, I strive to guide, serve, and stand tall, inviting others to join me. 

“As a daughter of Cuban immigrants, I've had the privilege of growing up in our society from a different perspective.”

-Mariana

What does it mean to you to be Hispana in your industry? As a daughter of Cuban immigrants, I've had the privilege of growing up in our society from a different perspective. Learning English as a second language gave me compassion for others that struggle with different languages and challenged me to find ways to bring both worlds together to better our community. In the creative industry, as a photographer/business owner, I am always looking for opportunities to share the beauty and power in embracing diversity and our cultural influences. 

How has that shaped your work? This passion has shaped my creative work and business over the last ten years. I've had the honor of documenting multicultural love stories around the world in a way that is unique to my background and life experiences while using my platforms to inspire others beyond their comfort zones. 

How has the Pandemic impacted your work? COVID-19 has impacted small businesses in ways we could never have imagined. In a matter of days, I’ve found myself revising our second quarter plans, navigating cancellations across our calendars, having conversations with clients and prioritizing health and mental wellness over profit and business growth. 

Not knowing how all of this will impact our third quarter and beyond brings a sense of fear, but it also challenges me as an entrepreneur and begs for me to rise up and lift up others in my industry.

As a creative and business owner, I’ve been challenged to think differently and remember why I started. I am embracing this unique season to work ON my business instead of IN, love on my clients, even more, collaborate with fellow industry friends, as there is so much work to be done in the waiting and so much growth as a small business through these obstacles. It’s a time to be generous, show up in different ways and serve others with our talents, we are all in this together.  

After reading Marianna’s thoughts on the screen it reminded me of this quote by Arundhati Roy: 

“Historically, pandemics have forced humans to break with the past and imagine their world anew. This one is no different. It is a portal, a gateway between one world and the next. We can choose to walk through it, dragging the carcasses of our prejudice and hatred, our avarice, our data banks, and dead ideas, our dead rivers and smoky skies behind us. Or we can walk through lightly, with little luggage, ready to imagine another world. And ready to fight for it." I’m glad I know women like Mariana, rethinking their business, imagining a new world and fighting for it every day. 

If you know a phenomenal Latina who runs her own small business please email me I'd love to interview her for a potential feature.

Finding Hope in What I Can’t Control

I don’t know about you but boy am I feeling it…the shift taking place around the globe! I feel like God is resetting my parameters. Showing me to take account of what matters most in my life. Taking account is the hardest part.

My year started with lots of tough moments. Moments that left me feeling…well, depressed.

It's hard for me to share realities like these because I’m my own worst critic. As a professional in the business of caring for others, I am often giving grace to those I serve, to my sweet family. Very rarely was I giving myself that same courtesy.

Our culture doesn’t help, always telling us to grind hard, push more and embrace every accolade that comes your way. All good things but not always things that filled my life. Not always the right thing. So, I became a warrior. An unrelenting hero of the day. It was exhausting.

“No one feels like being a warrior all the time. Yes, I’m strong. Yes, I can handle what comes my way. But when life gets tough you need a space where you can take off your cape and be delicate for a minute. I don’t want to have to be strong in the world and come home still wearing my armor. Every king and every queen need a place where they can put down their sword and nurse their wounds.”

 - Sarah Jake Roberts

Moments that left me feeling…well, depressed.

One late night, I finally let my guard down and told my husband “Babe, I’m not doing so great.” It was in those late-night conversations with him that he gave me those moments of grace I really needed. Letting him in and being vulnerable changed my perspective on love and loving myself. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be safe and sometimes that means being alone until someone comes around who you can trust with your fragile moments. The fragile moments didn’t go away but now I didn’t have to do it alone.

In January, I wrote about how my word for 2020 would be ‘present’. In that post, I shared that “If I can summarize 2019 with one word it would be…distracted. This year, I want my life to be about serving people well, being intentional about time with my husband and getting to know the young man my son is quickly becoming. For that to happen I need to be available.”

I shared my biggest distractions and ultimately it led me to take a big break off the gram and FB. Again, really trying to be present in all things that matter and not investing in things that made me feel like I had to. My life with this sweet fine bearded white boy, learning who my kid is now and really growing relationships. My hope was that I could write deeper, share with intention and enjoy this little life I call my own.

Starting Somewhere

It didn’t happen overnight. I got honest with those in my circle about my life and how I simply wanted the noise I had created to stop. Noises found in spaces like social media, pressure to keep writing more and to create fresh content while growing professionally…But what was I growing towards?

Some of those close to me suggested counseling (great idea) and so many more thanked me for being transparent because they were experiencing the same feelings. If I’m being honest just three weeks ago, I was still struggling. Slowly but surely, I was getting better and becoming more open about the challenges that I experience in this beautiful crazy life.

Then the COVID-19 pandemic rocked the world.

It rocked me. It rocked my family from the West & East Coast to the Dominican Republic and Italy. Our lives are now just a small version of the life we lead just two weeks before. This pandemic has put my life in perspective.

Now I am present and finding hope in that.

-Ligia Cushman

Finding Hope

It’s reminded me of what is good and true in humanity. For all the horrible things going on in the world, there are many more people serving their communities well. I have seen the best in people despite what is highlighted on the gram. Global unity is happening, whispering “You are not alone in this.” That has made all the difference. The moments that have really made me find hope was in understanding that:

Change makes us courageous. I’m home like all the time now. We are no strangers to change at Casa Cushman. We have lived in 2 homes over the last 18 months, started new jobs and literally bought a new house in about a week. All the great things that left us all feeling deflated. Our recent move proved to be a wonderful experience and one that resurfaced previous losses like our move from North Carolina to Florida.

Talking to a friend about our new normal she shared “I think God has put us in a bubble of silence where you have no choice but to delve into yourself and see you without the noise of the world. A reset button on what’s true, pure, noble, lovely, admirable and praiseworthy in our lives.”

Being available and transparent while engaging in social distancing, I have witnessed some super cool things like:

• Jaden is a pretty awesome human.

• I have the most amazing staff ready to stand in the gap for the hurting.

• We can unpack a house in 4 days! (yes, like a whole house).

• I am connecting with my friends more than I ever have!

• My life needed adjusting and I’m looking forward to what comes next.

Our hope is that Jay will learn to endure difficult times.

Ligia Cushman

That’s not to say that social distancing isn’t tough. Some days have been very challenging. Like when Jaden shared that being out of school really is hard for him. My hats go off to all those parents struggling with kiddos who thrive with routine and consistency during this pandemic.

However, our hope is that Jay will learn to endure difficult times. We have daily discussions about him sharing his feelings about how quickly the world is changing all around us. We also want to be honest and let him know that we as adults have never experienced something like this. He has a good understanding that we (adults, parents, teachers, pastors) are all still trying to figure this out too. It’s in these moments with Jay that I remind him about two big things that have given me hope during this time of resetting:

• Focus on the things, we can do rather than the things we can’t do.

• God has given us the tools to endure tough things. As a family, we know that our love + faith + grace will keep us steady in shaky times.

I chose the word “present” to define my hope for 2020. No one knew the world would change so significantly when I wrote that January post. Now I am present and finding hope in that.