I don’t know about you but boy am I feeling it…the shift taking place around the globe! I feel like God is resetting my parameters. Showing me to take account of what matters most in my life. Taking account is the hardest part.
My year started with lots of tough moments. Moments that left me feeling…well, depressed.
It's hard for me to share realities like these because I’m my own worst critic. As a professional in the business of caring for others, I am often giving grace to those I serve, to my sweet family. Very rarely was I giving myself that same courtesy.
Our culture doesn’t help, always telling us to grind hard, push more and embrace every accolade that comes your way. All good things but not always things that filled my life. Not always the right thing. So, I became a warrior. An unrelenting hero of the day. It was exhausting.
“No one feels like being a warrior all the time. Yes, I’m strong. Yes, I can handle what comes my way. But when life gets tough you need a space where you can take off your cape and be delicate for a minute. I don’t want to have to be strong in the world and come home still wearing my armor. Every king and every queen need a place where they can put down their sword and nurse their wounds.”
- Sarah Jake Roberts
Moments that left me feeling…well, depressed.
One late night, I finally let my guard down and told my husband “Babe, I’m not doing so great.” It was in those late-night conversations with him that he gave me those moments of grace I really needed. Letting him in and being vulnerable changed my perspective on love and loving myself. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be safe and sometimes that means being alone until someone comes around who you can trust with your fragile moments. The fragile moments didn’t go away but now I didn’t have to do it alone.
In January, I wrote about how my word for 2020 would be ‘present’. In that post, I shared that “If I can summarize 2019 with one word it would be…distracted. This year, I want my life to be about serving people well, being intentional about time with my husband and getting to know the young man my son is quickly becoming. For that to happen I need to be available.”
I shared my biggest distractions and ultimately it led me to take a big break off the gram and FB. Again, really trying to be present in all things that matter and not investing in things that made me feel like I had to. My life with this sweet fine bearded white boy, learning who my kid is now and really growing relationships. My hope was that I could write deeper, share with intention and enjoy this little life I call my own.
Starting Somewhere
It didn’t happen overnight. I got honest with those in my circle about my life and how I simply wanted the noise I had created to stop. Noises found in spaces like social media, pressure to keep writing more and to create fresh content while growing professionally…But what was I growing towards?
Some of those close to me suggested counseling (great idea) and so many more thanked me for being transparent because they were experiencing the same feelings. If I’m being honest just three weeks ago, I was still struggling. Slowly but surely, I was getting better and becoming more open about the challenges that I experience in this beautiful crazy life.
Then the COVID-19 pandemic rocked the world.
It rocked me. It rocked my family from the West & East Coast to the Dominican Republic and Italy. Our lives are now just a small version of the life we lead just two weeks before. This pandemic has put my life in perspective.
Now I am present and finding hope in that.
-Ligia Cushman
Finding Hope
It’s reminded me of what is good and true in humanity. For all the horrible things going on in the world, there are many more people serving their communities well. I have seen the best in people despite what is highlighted on the gram. Global unity is happening, whispering “You are not alone in this.” That has made all the difference. The moments that have really made me find hope was in understanding that:
Change makes us courageous. I’m home like all the time now. We are no strangers to change at Casa Cushman. We have lived in 2 homes over the last 18 months, started new jobs and literally bought a new house in about a week. All the great things that left us all feeling deflated. Our recent move proved to be a wonderful experience and one that resurfaced previous losses like our move from North Carolina to Florida.
Talking to a friend about our new normal she shared “I think God has put us in a bubble of silence where you have no choice but to delve into yourself and see you without the noise of the world. A reset button on what’s true, pure, noble, lovely, admirable and praiseworthy in our lives.”
Being available and transparent while engaging in social distancing, I have witnessed some super cool things like:
Jaden is a pretty awesome human.
I have the most amazing staff ready to stand in the gap for the hurting.
We can unpack a house in 4 days! (yes, like a whole house).
I am connecting with my friends more than I ever have!
My life needed adjusting and I’m looking forward to what comes next.
Our hope is that Jay will learn to endure difficult times.
Ligia Cushman
That’s not to say that social distancing isn’t tough. Some days have been very challenging. Like when Jaden shared that being out of school really is hard for him. My hats go off to all those parents struggling with kiddos who thrive with routine and consistency during this pandemic.
However, our hope is that Jay will learn to endure difficult times. We have daily discussions about him sharing his feelings about how quickly the world is changing all around us. We also want to be honest and let him know that we as adults have never experienced something like this. He has a good understanding that we (adults, parents, teachers, pastors) are all still trying to figure this out too. It’s in these moments with Jay that I remind him about two big things that have given me hope during this time of resetting:
Focus on the things, we can do rather than the things we can’t do.
God has given us the tools to endure tough things. As a family, we know that our love + faith + grace will keep us steady in shaky times.
I chose the word “present” to define my hope for 2020. No one knew the world would change so significantly when I wrote that January post. Now I am present and finding hope in that.