A Eulogy for My Best Friend

Melissa was always thoughtful in her writing and I wanted to honor her and do the same. On April 30th,  I lost my dear friend of many years, Melissa. to put it simply she was dope!  She was loving,  and a straight-shooter, something I deeply admired about her. She was a mighty force to be reckoned with. 

Melissa was a gift to the world. She made it better. She fought cancer for the last two years and we became even closer during these final years and I am forever thankful for that time. 

I have all her voicemails, and emails. I  listen to every word with a deep intense sadness.  I love you dearly mama.

Nunca te olvidare.

Because of COVID and travel restrictions from Florida to New York, I wasn't able to attend her services. Her husband, Matt, and daughter Giana knew how deeply I loved her and asked me to write a eulogy that they would read at her funeral.  

Here are my final words to my friend of a lifetime.

I met Melissa in 2003. We had both been struggling to get pregnant and our mutual friend Madeline thought that we needed each other. Since then we have been inseparable.

Even when we both got pregnant and I miscarried, Melissa walked that tough journey with me. Never letting go even when she was put on bed rest and struggled with her own pregnancy she somehow found a way to be there for me.  

That’s why when cancer came her way I knew I would do for her what she did for me... “walk through the valley of the shadow of death” with her.

Mel wasn’t just loved by me, but my entire family from my cousin Helen, Lilly to all my siblings and parents. Her grace and love made her a rockstar in our book.

There are no words...just tears to describe how hard the future will be without her. I still long to talk to her every day. I listen to voicemails she left me and laugh or cry at what she recorded. There’s no doubt  I will simply be lost without her.

Mel has helped me grow as a professional, woman, mother, and friend. When every friend I had let me down Melissa NEVER did. She called bs on haters and she checked me when I was wrong. For that alone, she is my forever my sister. 

 Her authenticity and love were her guiding force and boy was she a force to be reckoned with! Her absence has been felt deep down in my soul.

 Since adopting Jaden, I have thanked God every day for my infertility because it brought me our son. Today, I thank God for my infertility because it brought me to Melissa. ️

I will forever, forever long to be by her side. That will never change. As I recently told your daughter, Giana this is not something we will ever get over. We will just learn to endure it. 

On our last call, Melissa shared how proud she was of me. I wanted to take this moment to share the same. Melissa’s life was far from easy and somehow she found love, built a home, developed a career she could be proud of and raised an intelligent, bold, and beautiful daughter. I am so proud of her for beating the odds! Every day she inspired me...and still does.

And to Melissa, one last thing...As the years come and go without you I want you to know this ...I will be there for Giana. She will sing again and I know you will watch over her day and night. Like you “G” is brave, beautiful, and bold. Giana also has her own magic to give the world and l know you will be there for it all.

You are gone way too soon and I look forward to the day I will see you again. Rest easy my sweet friend. I love you. You fought so well, you inspired so many, you loved so deeply, you lived so loudly, no one that ever knew you can ever forget you, Melissa, I never will.

Enjoy your rest and bask in Glory.

I’ll see you when I get there.

With a broken heart,

I celebrate your life.

Finding Hope in What I Can’t Control

I don’t know about you but boy am I feeling it…the shift taking place around the globe! I feel like God is resetting my parameters. Showing me to take account of what matters most in my life. Taking account is the hardest part.

My year started with lots of tough moments. Moments that left me feeling…well, depressed.

It's hard for me to share realities like these because I’m my own worst critic. As a professional in the business of caring for others, I am often giving grace to those I serve, to my sweet family. Very rarely was I giving myself that same courtesy.

Our culture doesn’t help, always telling us to grind hard, push more and embrace every accolade that comes your way. All good things but not always things that filled my life. Not always the right thing. So, I became a warrior. An unrelenting hero of the day. It was exhausting.

“No one feels like being a warrior all the time. Yes, I’m strong. Yes, I can handle what comes my way. But when life gets tough you need a space where you can take off your cape and be delicate for a minute. I don’t want to have to be strong in the world and come home still wearing my armor. Every king and every queen need a place where they can put down their sword and nurse their wounds.”

 - Sarah Jake Roberts

Moments that left me feeling…well, depressed.

One late night, I finally let my guard down and told my husband “Babe, I’m not doing so great.” It was in those late-night conversations with him that he gave me those moments of grace I really needed. Letting him in and being vulnerable changed my perspective on love and loving myself. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be safe and sometimes that means being alone until someone comes around who you can trust with your fragile moments. The fragile moments didn’t go away but now I didn’t have to do it alone.

In January, I wrote about how my word for 2020 would be ‘present’. In that post, I shared that “If I can summarize 2019 with one word it would be…distracted. This year, I want my life to be about serving people well, being intentional about time with my husband and getting to know the young man my son is quickly becoming. For that to happen I need to be available.”

I shared my biggest distractions and ultimately it led me to take a big break off the gram and FB. Again, really trying to be present in all things that matter and not investing in things that made me feel like I had to. My life with this sweet fine bearded white boy, learning who my kid is now and really growing relationships. My hope was that I could write deeper, share with intention and enjoy this little life I call my own.

Starting Somewhere

It didn’t happen overnight. I got honest with those in my circle about my life and how I simply wanted the noise I had created to stop. Noises found in spaces like social media, pressure to keep writing more and to create fresh content while growing professionally…But what was I growing towards?

Some of those close to me suggested counseling (great idea) and so many more thanked me for being transparent because they were experiencing the same feelings. If I’m being honest just three weeks ago, I was still struggling. Slowly but surely, I was getting better and becoming more open about the challenges that I experience in this beautiful crazy life.

Then the COVID-19 pandemic rocked the world.

It rocked me. It rocked my family from the West & East Coast to the Dominican Republic and Italy. Our lives are now just a small version of the life we lead just two weeks before. This pandemic has put my life in perspective.

Now I am present and finding hope in that.

-Ligia Cushman

Finding Hope

It’s reminded me of what is good and true in humanity. For all the horrible things going on in the world, there are many more people serving their communities well. I have seen the best in people despite what is highlighted on the gram. Global unity is happening, whispering “You are not alone in this.” That has made all the difference. The moments that have really made me find hope was in understanding that:

Change makes us courageous. I’m home like all the time now. We are no strangers to change at Casa Cushman. We have lived in 2 homes over the last 18 months, started new jobs and literally bought a new house in about a week. All the great things that left us all feeling deflated. Our recent move proved to be a wonderful experience and one that resurfaced previous losses like our move from North Carolina to Florida.

Talking to a friend about our new normal she shared “I think God has put us in a bubble of silence where you have no choice but to delve into yourself and see you without the noise of the world. A reset button on what’s true, pure, noble, lovely, admirable and praiseworthy in our lives.”

Being available and transparent while engaging in social distancing, I have witnessed some super cool things like:

• Jaden is a pretty awesome human.

• I have the most amazing staff ready to stand in the gap for the hurting.

• We can unpack a house in 4 days! (yes, like a whole house).

• I am connecting with my friends more than I ever have!

• My life needed adjusting and I’m looking forward to what comes next.

Our hope is that Jay will learn to endure difficult times.

Ligia Cushman

That’s not to say that social distancing isn’t tough. Some days have been very challenging. Like when Jaden shared that being out of school really is hard for him. My hats go off to all those parents struggling with kiddos who thrive with routine and consistency during this pandemic.

However, our hope is that Jay will learn to endure difficult times. We have daily discussions about him sharing his feelings about how quickly the world is changing all around us. We also want to be honest and let him know that we as adults have never experienced something like this. He has a good understanding that we (adults, parents, teachers, pastors) are all still trying to figure this out too. It’s in these moments with Jay that I remind him about two big things that have given me hope during this time of resetting:

• Focus on the things, we can do rather than the things we can’t do.

• God has given us the tools to endure tough things. As a family, we know that our love + faith + grace will keep us steady in shaky times.

I chose the word “present” to define my hope for 2020. No one knew the world would change so significantly when I wrote that January post. Now I am present and finding hope in that.

Is this Real Life? My Best Friend Has Cancer

Mel and I talk every day

Sometimes we talk twice a day. We chat about everything from marriage to kids and career. She is amazing at a giving me advice about a ton of life challenges but she steals the show when giving me career advice. You can find her always pumping me up and giving me time to reflect on what I have accomplished. We were introduced to each other about 14 years ago as a mutual friend thought we would be a good support to each other as we both struggled with infertility. She was right!  I always say our grief brought us together but our love kept us together. Mel is just another way God used my loss to give me an amazing gift. I think that’s why we are so good at comforting each other now…now that Mel has cancer. To use the term best friend at 44 years old seems silly.  Mel is so much more than that. Over the last 14 years, we have kept it real, grown in love, and raised our kids together, all from over 600 miles away. My life’s journey has been one of uprooting and starting fresh. Hers has been constant and full of much growth. Somehow we have made it work.

Melissa and I at the Harvard Latina's LEAD conference. February, 2018

Many tears have been shed. We laugh, we cry, and we cuss people out privately who just don’t get the struggle. Many of you may remember the piece that I wrote “The Five Things I learned at Harvard” where I shared what I learned last winter at the Harvard Latina’s LEAD conference. As soon as I told Mel about it she said, “I’m going with you.” That’s how she is. She is loyal to a fault. As she walks this journey now I’m the one going with her. While at LEAD we were immersed in a group of strong Latina’s on the verge of something great.  What I didn’t realize is that Mel was about to emerge on a journey that will show the world how strong she is. Our time in Boston, albeit cold, gave us the chance to catch up face to face after a long eight-year hiatus. This trip left us inspired and knowing that we had to do it every year.

When the opportunity for me to take on a new position in Florida presented itself Mel was the first person to say, “ You are ready.” Here was my journey moving me further away from her when she needs me most. I send her care packages to help ease the challenges that chemo brings but that isn’t enough. Not to me.  What she doesn’t know are the times I cry silently like when she first told me what her treatments would ultimately do to her body, or when she described losing her hair as “my hair painted the walls of my shower.” Even in that, she discusses how she plans to glam up. If I could describe her in one word it would be resilient.  As I lean into what Mel needs from me I have discovered four ways to support a loved one experiencing cancer.

1. Be there - Don’t offer platitudes. Just hold their hands (in my case virtually) and let them talk. I listen intently and when she asks I make her laugh by moving on to point 2. Send brief text messages, listen intently, and cry together when the moment calls for it.

2. Shoot the sh**t about everyday life - Like I said, Mel and I keep it real. Often times a day or so after treatments I check in. Mel gives me her update and quickly says “Ok tell me all about you. I need that.” We laugh about crazy life stuff, talk about my new life in Florida, and share dreams we have for our kids. We simply keep it real.

3. Pray - Mel and I have had our own faith journeys but we have always prayed for each other. Shortly after she told me about her diagnosis I read a quote that says, “ Today…you are loved. You are thought of. You are prayed for.” That is how I want Mel to feel every day. A verse that keeps coming to mind is Joshua 1:9, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

4. Give - It doesn’t have to be something huge or overly expensive. Just something that lets your loved one know you are thinking about them. Warm socks, blankets, or even ChapStick can help ease the challenges that come with treatment. Give your time. That’s right. Time is so important. Be intentional about taking care of those you love. For those interested you can also contribute to her go fund me page here.

Mel and I on a snowy day this past December getting brunch in NYC!

Update:

After a recent checkup last month Melissa received news that the cancer returned and spread to her lungs and brain. Her doctor immediately recommended chemotherapy with a new immunotherapy drug.  But after experiencing the effects of chemo that led to frequent emergency room visits last year, conventional chemotherapy this time around is not a viable option.

The alternative treatment Melissa is starting this week is not cheap and requires lots of support. I invite you to contribute and support Melissa through any amount put on your heart.  I am also asking that you share this page on social media to have your networks stand with our family in this crucial time.  

And finally, I ask for your deepest prayers. There are many lives affected by cancer each year and we want to give Melissa a fighting chance.  I hope you will join us! You can contribute to her go fund me page here.

Mel and I have no idea what lies ahead. What we do know is that we will face this together. As I see her face this journey I am reminded that Mel is brave even when she cries. Mel is courageous even when the news is hard. Mel is beautiful especially when she smiles. Above all things, Mel is loved.