Adoption is Uncomfortable

I recently read a post where an IG foster/adoptive mom with over 60K followers shared that adoption is redemptive, restorative + relational. ⁣ ⁣As a Christian, I wholeheartedly believe this to be true. That statement also gave me pause. Here’s the thing, when we only state the beautiful aspects that come from adoption, we miss being authentic about what the real experiences of the transracial adoptive family.

It also leaves room for us to develop a savior complex. As adoptive parents, our conversations must be balanced and not about our heroism.

Adoption is also uncomfortable. I wish we would be more transparent about that.⁣ ⁣Honest about the realities of facing grief, the role race plays in isolating our children, and the complexities of loss for the entire adoption triad (first family, the child, and adoptive family). Uncomfortable for the First Family

It was uncomfortable for our son’s first mom to have me at medical appointments and the delivery room.⁣ ⁣ It’s uncomfortable for her to now have to answer all of his tough questions about how he ended up here. ⁣There’s nothing natural about this process. ⁣ The grace is found in honoring each other.

Uncomfortable for the Adoptive Family

It’s uncomfortable navigating openness in a way that allows our son to build a strong relationship with his first family. ⁣ ⁣I would be lying if I didn’t say I get nervous before every encounter. Shoot, sometimes it’s more than nerves. Sometimes it’s fear.

Relocation definitely adds a layer to intentionality. We had to not only navigate selling our house, packing up our life and starting new jobs and school but, we also had to have goodbye visits with the first family. That was hard. Even now three years later, we have to remind our son that no matter where he lives they are his family.

Uncomfortable for
Our SoN

It’s uncomfortable for our son who has to live with a decision made for him way before he was born and the realities that he didn’t get a say. ⁣ Although we talk about adoption often with him I know this is an ambiguous loss he will navigate most of his life that I may never fully understand.

Uncomfortable for Adoptive Parents

It’s uncomfortable to understand all the complexities of raising a mixed-race child in the South.⁣ ⁣ As an adoption professional, I believed we “trained” prospective transracial adoptive parents well. Until, I became one myself. Being uncomfortable changed not only how we parented our son but also how I educated, trained and supported new adoptive families.

Adoption changed our life. We adore our son and love that we get to do this crazy life with him. ⁣ ⁣He is why I fight for transracial adoptive parents to do better. I also know adoption changed his life in ways that we could have never anticipated or understand. Like the first time our son was at a family wedding and he asked: “were my (first) parents married?” I stopped what I was doing- taking photos with the bridal party- and made time to answer that really BIG question. You see sometimes the questions come when you least expect it and when you have zero preparation.

Uncomfortable relationships

The adoption of our son taught us a great deal about redemption, restoration, and most importantly its about relationship. Relationships in adoption may look different for every family. For us, that meant being intentional about staying connected with his first mother…no matter what. It also meant having friends that didn’t look like us. It meant we needed to be intentional about how we were raising our mixed-race child. That meant taking him to a black barber in the city. In that space, we not only learned how to care for his hair but we all learned what it meant to be in community. ⁣ Our uncomfortable life gave us realtionships we couldn’t trade for anything.

The bottom line is that Adoption is at the heart of the gospel and it’s uncomfortable. It can be both. I’ve never grown from anything that didn’t make me uncomfortable...how about you? Navigating our journey of loss and giving each other grace along the uncomfortable spaces is what makes all the difference and its what makes us family. ⁣ ⁣ ⁣

Adoption: The Classroom, Educators, and Adoption

Every year he has gone to the same school with the same kids in the same community. Until now he has been educated in a community that knew he was adopted. My striding brought him here. That’s why when relocating the mister and I did lots of research and chose the school before selecting our new home. We knew a good school was the key to his success.

Yesterday we visited that new school and we let him set the pace and take the lead. He shook hands, introduced himself, and let people know what he needed. When it was all said and done he said, “This new school is awesome!” For any parent that relocates with school-aged children, you know it was a great relief to us to hear him say that.

One thing we didn’t do was discuss the fact that he’s adopted with his new school administrators. Why would we need to share that at all? Being an adoptive family adds an additional lens to every aspect of our life especially as it relates to school. I think we didn’t touch on adoption yesterday because as he grows we are encouraging him to set the pace on what part of his narrative he shares with the world. It’s important that he knows he’s adopted but even more important that he decides who gets to know his story. Many adoptive parents don’t always understand that our children have the right to say who gets to know their story and who doesn’t.

The adoption process itself is in part to blame. When you are adopting, a big part of that journey is making it public. For those who require monetary support, sharing your story is a major part of that journey. A former adoption co-worker shared a story of meeting a dear friend’s new adopted daughter. After saying how cute the baby was she bravely asked: “So what’s her story?” What the adoptive mother said next, changed our adoption journey forever. She kindly responded with ”We are not comfortable with sharing her story with everyone when she doesn’t even know it. We’d prefer to keep it private for now.” I thought their stance was impressive. From that moment on, both the Mr. and I agreed that we needed to set firm boundaries on how we shared his narrative.

When he was younger, hubby and I navigated his story. Living in a small rural community at the time, it was important for us to set firm boundaries with who knew the details of his story and who didn’t. Now that he’s older and understands the concept of adoption he gets to determine who knows and who doesn’t. Even in sharing this part of our journey I needed to get his permission to post it.

Educators & Adoption

With that said, I do believe that it is important if not critical that teachers know if they have an adopted child in their classroom. In my professional and personal experience, some adoptive parents don’t always get why sharing that information is important. For our family, sharing that our child is adopted is very different than sharing his adoption story. Providing educators with information about our child’s specific needs help our son continue to learn and embrace his story. We believe our adoption story can be private but it should never be a secret.

I have found that in today’s modern adoption world there are many tools for parents and teachers to use that help with engaging in an honest conversation about adoption. My good friends at the Quality Improvement Center for Adoption & Guardianship Support and Preservation developed the easy to read handout entitled “What Teachers Should Know About Adoption.” As with any tool take from it what applies to your family and chuck the rest. Another tool that has been invaluable for our family is the WISEUP workbook by CASE. This tool helps adopted youth and their parents role-play how they would respond to tough questions about their adoption with peers. 

Last night, I was discussing with our little man how he felt about his sharing his adoption story at school. What he shared was pretty mature if you ask me. He said, “I think teachers should always know I was adopted and I will let the kids know once I can trust them.” Here are three reasons we share that our son is adopted with his teachers:

1. Adoption Sensitive Classrooms - We want teachers to create adoption sensitive classrooms. It’s crucial that teachers know that some adopted kids are “grappling with issues related to identity, belonging, or attachment; managing complex and/or non-traditional relationships and roles with their birth family; experiencing loss and grief; and figuring out how to be in a family of a different culture or ethnic group.”

2. Assignments Matter - We desire a classroom that considers adopted children when selecting assignments, and celebrating holidays. Often, family tree assignments are difficult for kids who have been adopted. I do believe that assignments like these can help foster an intentional conversation with your child about adoption, however, it must be one that parents are aware of in advance. In addition, teachers may be open to modifying their teaching plans to be adoption informed.

3. Adoption Status - We want to encourage teachers to recognize that children might be sensitive about their adoption status. It will help teachers be aware of conversations that may come up in the classroom. For some children, difficult anniversaries impact their ability to learn. Teachers who are aware of this can be a help to their adopted student rather than a hindrance. 

According to the Institute for Family Studies “Adoptive parents reported that an 83% majority of their children enjoyed going to school and nearly half - 49% - were doing ‘excellent’ or ‘above average’ school work.” With the right support and information educators can help their adoptive students thrive.

Adoption: A Glimpse Into The Day Our Son Was Born

“ Do you want to be pregnant or be a mom?”

Like many adoption stories, ours begins with loss. After many trips to the fertility specialist and a major loss in March of 2005 it was evident that starting a family in the traditional sense was not going to be a viable option for us. Losing a pregnancy is a hard ambiguous loss. 

Sitting in my bitterness I reached out to my mom. I remember in the middle of having a heartbreaking conversation with her she asked me the following. “Do you want to be pregnant or do you want to be a mom, because they are not the same thing?” Can you imagine how wild it was to hear those words from my own mother when I was in the middle of my career as an adoption social worker? If I’m being honest, adoption was always in my heart. 

Meeting our son’s birth mom was scary and exciting. Would she like us? Would she turn and run? The moment we met her we were all in. She was beautiful, caring, and committed to her decision. As time went on we became friends. Can you imagine that?

In the months leading up to his birth, we spent a great deal of time together. I accompanied her to medical appointments, developed a delivery plan, and discussed what interactions would look like after he was born. I felt so honored when she introduced the idea that I be in the delivery room with her. What sticks out the most was her desire to give our son (hers and mine) the life she never had.

In hindsight, I can say that we grew to love her before we even met him. Loving her was something I could not have anticipated and yet it was easy. You see, how could I not love the woman that gave me my son? Without her life and love I would not be a mother and the magnitude of her sacrifice is not lost on me.

One warm November morning she called early. Her water broke and contractions were strong. She wanted us to meet her at the hospital! My heart stopped. Everything moved very quickly after that. I remember getting in the car and thinking when we come back home we will be parents.

If I’m being honest, there was a fear that set in as well. What if after she met him she would decide not to place him with us? That’s when I remember God gently reminding me that he was in control no matter the outcome. In faith I stepped out.

We arrived and spent an hour staring at one another fueled with fear and anticipation. This is when I am reminded that adoption, in all its beauty, is not a natural process. Every adoption experience is different and I was standing in the middle of ours.

Our Moses Moment

Daddy gives him his first bottle.

We sat with her, held her hand during the hard contractions and I quietly prayed for her and our son. After about 2 hours and her contractions settling down she encouraged us to go get some food in the cafeteria. We were sitting down to eat when the call came in. It was her nurse, “Get here now or you’ll miss it.”

I ran into the room and witnessed the moment my son entered this world. What an amazing, breathtaking moment God gave me.  He was perfect. He looked just like her. He was loved and I cut the cord.  Scripture tells the story of Moses an adopted child. The name Moses comes from the Hebrew word meaning “to pull out/draw out.” This was our Moses moment.

He slept a while we talked about him.

Was I the first to hold our handsome child? No. It was his Daddy. He was the first to hold and feed this new person that would come to change our lives forever. I believe becoming His father changed Heath forever. When evening set in Heath went home to get the house ready for our guy before he came back. That gave his two mom’s time alone.

Together,  in my room with him we both laughed, cried, and shared stories of our childhood. I tried to remember every detail of her story so that I could share it with him as he grew. This time together is forever etched in my soul.

When the time came to go home, she left first. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her to walk away. I went to say goodbye, embrace her, and thank her for her sacrifice and love. We both knew this would not be the last time we would see each other for we are forever tied together.