“Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing the body. -Proverbs 16:24
Amigas (friends) , how do you show up for your thriving sisters in a way that makes them feel loved? Professor Lisa Fairfax gave us a great example of how to show up for your sister when she introduced her bestie Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson, at the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings for her nomination to the Supreme Court.
In her speech, Professor Fairfax said, "There's so much more to Ketanji beyond her brilliant mind. Her wonderful sense of humor, her gift of storytelling, and heart of gold always show up, from the first call you make for advice about your career to the first knock you hear on the door after learning you're diagnosed with cancer,".
My question to you, Amiga- How do you show up for your sisters this way?
Do you have Amigas that will shine a bright light on your work and accomplishments?
Do your friends rally the troops to support you?
Friends who will take a five-hour coffee date with you to hear each other's dreams?
My Amigas…
I have had a great network of Amigas throughout my career. They have supported my calling in ways I could never have imagined. From buying my book, sharing my articles, and helping me pick an outfit for my interview with NBC NEWS Now, they have stood in the gap and made sure I knew I was no imposter. For that, I will forever be thankful.
Once such a great friend was my bestie, Melissa. As the anniversary of her passing approaches in April, I am reminded of the loss of that connection. I can tell you that any time I had a crazy career idea, she was there for it. She was the first person to review my book and was always there to mentor me as I honed my craft. She has left an enormous void in my life.
Here in Florida, God added to my village, and those women have bared witness to many of my professional and personal dreams becoming a reality. One such friend is the brilliant Mariana Mosili, always ready for the perfect headshot! She is the friend that is always available for an impromptu 4-hour inspo session over a delicious cafecito.
My Mami (mom) also blessed me with a tribe of sisters (and Alex too). Without them, I would never understand the value of having people in my life who know me deeply and publicly support me. What I didn’t know is how rare that was.
Having these women in my life has been exactly what I needed.
These women have shaped my life and so have the toxic Amigas who made me feel small
Top five things my toxic friends taught me:
1. Having the wrong voices in your head can kill your dreams. It took me a long time to connect that my toxic friend's critique of my life disguised in "concern" was about their unresolved losses and trauma. Their response to navigating my calling often left me feeling small. I'll never forget when I first started this blog and launched my @ligiaspeaks IG account. In that space, I shared photos of my family, shared stories about our interactions with racism as a family, and shared how God helped me face all of it. Then, a "friend" asked me to please stop sharing my stories on social media because it didn't make her feel good. I immediately thought I had done something wrong, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I remember thinking that if one of my oldest friends could feel this way, I would do something wrong. The problem with that request was that my story of pain, loss, resilience, and Jesus couldn't be separated from my family. After hearing those words from her, I got off social media… for six months. I became small and quiet and stepped away from my calling for a season. That's when I learned that having the wrong voices in your head can kill your dreams.
2. A toxic friend's unkind words can Increase your anxiety, exacerbate your mental health, and rob you of Joy. Scripture tells us that "Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and healing to the body." -Proverbs 16:24. On occasion, experienced friends who never have a kind thing to say about you or to you. Their unkind words often leave me guessing if this "compliment"wrapped in critique was the truth about who I am as a person. Many of us have had that "Amiga" who critiques your life choices, spending habits, your appearance, and your writing in hopes of mentoring you. Those friends often leave you feeling frustrated, exhausted, and disappointed. When confronted, they may gaslight you,saying you are overreacting. It may seem like what you give them ( your time, love, gifts, etc. ;) is never good enough. These "friends" can be hurtful and manipulative and not even know it. I can tell you that those toxic relationships seriously impacted my self-esteem. Over the years, I have learned to set boundaries when others say rude things to me.
3. Letting go is ok. Steve Maraboli says,
"Letting go means realizing that some people are a part of your history, but not part of your destiny."
The lesson of letting go has taken me a great deal of time to learn. First, I had to come to terms that if a person in my life triggers insecurity, anxiety, or shame and robs me of my joy, they shouldn't hold up space in my mind or heart. However, that is easier said than done. I remember walking a "friend" through a house hubby and I was in the process of purchasing. Let me say this house was our "dream." As we went from room to room, I noticed she was silent for most of it other than the moments she said compared her home to our home. She then went on and on about how our neighborhood was overpriced, and she wouldn't buy a home in our area. Shortly after that interaction, I remember sharing that experience with my sister, who gave me this advice, " this may not be a friend you want in your corner or your home."
4. Setting boundaries is not for others. It's for me. A toxic amiga can and will jump all over your boundaries. Often this confuses and keeps you guessing. This isn't a great way to build relationship equity. This is where boundaries come in. One of my dearest friends recently told me that setting boundaries isn't for other people they are for me. Now setting boundaries isn't a quick fix. It will take time, and toxic Amigas may or may not follow them.
The biggest lesson I learned is that my role in all of this is how I will respond to a toxic amiga when she becomes a boundary violator.
Take time to list non-negotiable boundaries and map out how you will react when they are violated.
5. Loving detachment can provide peace. Loving detachment doesn't mean that I remove this person from my IG account – although if you need to do that for your peace of mind, I say go for it. What loving detachment looks like is being there for another person without saying anything or taking any action—finding ways to stand in supportive silence does not always come easy. However, as I grow in this area, I have learned that sometimes I can be there for a person in prayer or to listen. I don't always need to offer advice or bring a solution. This allows me to build healthy relationships with others in ways that do not drain me.
As you think of the amigas in your life, who pour into you or drain you, Ask yourself what kind of friend I am and where I need to change.